148 NORTHERN IRELAND ROAD TRIP: A JOURNEY THROUGH GIGGLE-WORTHY GEOGRAPHY...

Following on from The Great British Innuendo Tour, I stumbled across a map of places in Northern Ireland that we should definitely add to our iffy names list. Join me on an imaginary 8-day tour where we delve into whether Northern Ireland's mapmakers had a wicked sense of humour or an astonishing lack of imagination.

Day 1: Set Off from Ballyalicock...

After arriving in Northern Ireland, we head straight to the delightfully named Ballyalicock before motoring toward Cummercam. This journey takes us through some of Ulster's most beautiful countryside with the sat nav announcing each turn with the unwavering dignity of a BBC newsreader, utterly oblivious to the fact that it's just told us to "continue toward Cummercam for 2.5 miles."

Day 2: From Bottom to Greater Heights...

Day two sees us head to our next destination: Bottom. Now, you might expect Bottom to be a lowly place, perhaps situated in a valley or depression. You'd be wrong. Bottom sits cheekily at a somewhat respectable elevation, leading to the philosophical question: if Bottom is up high, what does that make everywhere else?

From Bottom, we navigate to Windy Hole, which is apparently named refreshingly literally. The wind there could power a small city, and you can spend a delightful hour or two watching tourists attempt to eat sandwiches before they are blown to Scotland. 

Day 3: Getting to Grips with The Fingers...

The Fingers prove to be a geographic formation that remarkably resembles fingers. The local tourist board has thoughtfully provided a viewing platform where visitors can use their, erm, fingers to point at The Fingers.  

Next stop, Dicks Hill, requires some climbing. The hill itself is apparently lovely, though we can't help but notice that the local Ordnance Survey map lists it with the kind of matter-of-fact precision that suggests the cartographers were either completely innocent or possessed of supernatural self-control.

Day 4: Ring Rash More and Medical Geography...

Ring Rash More sounds like something you'd want to avoid discussing with your doctor, but it turns out to be a delightful stretch of countryside. A question comes to mind: Is there a Ring Rash Less nearby?

Balls Point offers spectacular coastal views and a gift shop that has clearly embraced its destiny. The postcards write themselves.

Day 5: Stranagalwilly and the Art of Pronunciation...

Stranagalwilly challenges the linguistic skills like no other place has before. What is the correct pronunciation? Apparently, it's exactly how it looks, according to the internet.

Bunnynubber, the next destination, should involve either rabbit-related activities or a very specific type of eraser. It turns out to be neither; it is just a charming hamlet where the residents have long since stopped finding their address amusing.

Day 6: Military History and Unfortunate Names...

Fanny's Fort provides a dose of historical education, being an actual historical site with actual educational plaques. 

Ballywilly continues the theme of places that sound like they were named by particularly cheeky children. The "Bally" prefix means "town of" in Irish, which makes the name significantly more innocent in Gaelic than it sounds in English. 

Day 7: Coastal Adventures and Mountaineering...

Dicks Bay offers excellent swimming, though laughing at the life ring labelled "Property of Dicks Bay Rescue Service" burns more calories than swimming, I reckon. 

Cocks Mountain will prove to be the most challenging climb of the trip, rising majestically above the surrounding landscape with the kind of dramatic presence that makes you understand why early settlers thought it worthy of such a... prominent name. The view from the top is apparently genuinely spectacular. 

Day 8: The Final Stretch...

Fofanny, the penultimate stop, sounds like what an urban kid says is the reason he is going to 'da club'. It's a lovely little place that seems entirely unaware of how adorable its name sounds when pronounced by anyone with a non-Ulster accent.

The journey concludes at the Giants Ring, a prehistoric monument that restores some dignity to the itinerary. This 5,000-year-old henge reminds us that humans have been gathering in circles to contemplate the mysteries of existence since long before anyone thought to name places things like Bottom or Windy Hole.

Reflections on a Journey Well-Travelled...

Northern Ireland's mapmakers have created a tourist trail that guarantees at least one good laugh per destination. Don't expect to keep a straight face when the sat nav announces your next turn toward Fanny's Fort. Some things never stop being funny, no matter how dignified you try to be about them.